WINTERING IN SILENCE

I think a lot of who we are is what we've become in the dark. I don't think there is much to a person beyond who they are when they're alone. It takes effort to be the star of the show in a full room, sure, but it takes dedication and commitment to be authentic when you're by yourself. I am working on this.

My husband once told me in a pivotal moment to "be the person I say I am."

That statement changed my life.

It is not uncommon to have someone judge your character and find it lacking - it is, however, annoying and borderline insulting. For someone to get close, see it all, and then decide that there's room for improvement can be hard to hear - most productive criticism is.

That being said, I am dedicating myself to being consistent this year. In fact, the word of the year that I have chosen as my binding principal is investment.

I have been invested to a fault in improving my health, both mental and physical. I have been invested in spending intentional time with those who I care about. I have been invested in my career and its upwards trajectory.

Do I commit myself to writing S.M.A.R.T. goals for everything I want to accomplish? No.

Do I write my goals down every day and compare my progress against my intention? Also no.

But every day, I wake up and try to show up.

Wintering in silence spoke to me as I was pondering what to write about. I think winter, especially in the Midwest (IYKYK), stands to test everyone's patience and ability to self entertain. Especially considering that I live in a place just flat enough for there to be no ski resorts, and just warm enough for there to be no frozen lakes to skate. Iowa is not for the weak.

However, neither is solitude, and I find myself alone most of the time.

Now, that's not necessarily a cry for help. My loneliness is one of my own creation. I work from home intentionally. I am a introverted homebody by nature. Sure, I love a good dinner party and the bars call my name from time to time, but I find myself recharging the fastest when I am in a comfortable environment, with very little to no social interaction involved.

This winter, I have moved away from social media a bit. I post less, though admittedly I do scroll the same. I laugh less at what I see online, continuously becoming less and less impressed by trends and viral videos. It just seems... cheap now.

I wish my life was more meaningful. I wish I had more hobbies. I wish I was so immersed in doing what I deemed fun that doing what I deemed necessary didn't feel so cumbersome.

My life, this winter and honestly for a while, has been confined and condemned to the size of my homestead. Being snowed in doesn't help, and while a spacious new home does, it doesn't fix the problem - my homebody tendencies are no longer serving me the way I hoped that they would.

Instead, they are holding me back. They are also holding my relationships back.

I can't live in fear that my social interactions will be subpar, embarrassing, or lacking the intimacy and fun I so desperately crave.

Simply put, I have to embrace the unexpected chaos that is life and inviting people into one's own.

Someone without an anxiety disorder would probably do well with that goal. This specific someone with OCD does not.

To be vulnerable and transparent for a moment:

I have obsessed over mopping my floor for about eight months. If I don't, I'm afraid that something bad will happen. Something inexplicable and unpredictable will befall those I love dearly, and it will all be my fault somehow, all because my floors weren't mopped on time that morning. I have gone days this year and last without leaving my home, solely because I felt I hadn't cleaned enough to warrant going outside. My duties remained indoors and so did I.

Life started flying by. Friendships faded. Some fizzled entirely. All because I was so in my head that physically leaving my only safe space felt impossible. Hunkering down for six months of freezing rain and the occasional snow didn't help.

I have reached out to those friends with apologies and best wishes, though I am not in control of how they react - shoutout to therapy for teaching me that one.

In some ways, I feel victorious, as I have conquered some of my old obsessions and no longer feel like I'm drowning under the weight of them.

In many other ways, I feel like a complete failure, as my floor is never clean enough to warrant any sort of gentleness inwards.

I crave validation yet I refuse to give it to myself, and I'm so worn down from the inner workings of my own mind that I cannot perform well enough to receive it externally either.

In short - my inner voice is a total bitch.

However, I don't believe in faking it until you make it. It just feels like living a lie for the performative value it gives others. It doesn't serve me in any way to pretend to be healthy and happy, just to keep others calm. It feels like maxing out the emotional credit card month after month, and wondering why I'm living paycheck to paycheck week after week.

I have to live authentically, and live well. The desire is calling me and I must listen. I must feel better in my body and more confident in my mind. I must further my career while giving myself grace, and refuse to burn out unnecessarily. I must invest in my marriage relentlessly, and continue that pursuit of closeness with those dear to me.

I cannot let myself be distracted by the state of my floor any longer.

I will not.